I Owe You an Apology

Updated thoughts on menopause rage now that I’ve been there

Last summer, I experienced a new-to-me perimenopause symptom: constant rage.

I had written about menopause rage previously, but I had yet to experience it myself. And oh boy was it an informative experience. Five months of constant, low-grade rage that I could not self-care or reason my way out was a master class in compassion for myself and respect for the impact of fluctuating hormones.

To every woman who read my original newsletter on menopause rage and just felt more rage, I offer up my sincerest apologies. I get it now. I really, really do.

Here’s the full story of what happened, and where I’m at now:

It generally takes me a bit of time before I acknowledge a new-to-me menopause symptom isn’t just some transient thing I can ignore until it goes away. Par for the course, it took a few months to realize maybe this is just who I am now.

And when I finally did realize it, I took action:

I talked to my husband, which sounded a lot like this: “Hey, just a heads up that I’ve been filled with constant low-grade rage for awhile now and I’m on the verge of losing my mind literally every time you or the kids do anything remotely obnoxious or annoying (like simply existing in the same space as me) because managing all this rage is taking up a lot of my energy so tread carefully because I’m trying my best but I’m also only human. Okay? Thanks. Good talk. Looooove youuuuuu!”

I also revisited my original newsletter on menopause rage and was immediately embarrassed for myself - I was like that obnoxious person without kids giving parenting advice! That said, I figured I’d still give the advice in that newsletter a go … annnnd it did not go well.

I had written that Psychotherapist Anna Mathur recommends pausing to ask yourself two key questions so you can identify unmet needs, take care of them, and feel less rage.

Question One: What am I feeling?

Rage, obviously. Sooooo much rage.

Question Two: What do I need?

This is where the process fell apart. Because what I genuinely felt like I needed was impossible.

I needed harmful patriarchal systems to dismantle themselves. Immediately. And injustice. That needed to stop too. What injustice, you ask? All of them. All the injustices. Basically, I needed all people to stop being idiots. NBD, right?

Short of traveling to an alternate universe, I couldn’t see how any action was going to be impactful enough to soothe my rage against the entire human race.

But also, is it possible to soothe rage fueled by hormone changes (short of going on menopause hormone therapy)?

It certainly didn’t feel like it.

But maybe your experience has been or will be different?

Thankfully, I did find that talking about it helped - especially with girlfriends who are in the thick of perimenopause with me. Laughing and commiserating in community helped me feel less broken.

And just when I was starting to wonder if it was time to consider hormone therapy, I gradually began to feel like myself again. That hormone pendulum was swinging once again, thankfully in a direction that provided a reprieve from a season of feeling very, very stabby.

Just for funsies, I’m including my original newsletter on menopause rage below. Because I think the advice is genuinely useful for other types of rage. It’s certainly been helpful for me to revisit as I navigate the current political climate, and maybe you’ll find it useful as well.

Also, the McSweeny’s article I linked to is still very, very funny. The bit I quoted below is the least funny part (but the most relevant to the topic) so be sure to click through to the article for the funniest bits and hopefully a good laugh.

I’m curious - what’s your experience with feelings of rage? And what did you find helpful? I’d love to hear your story in the comments - the more we can gather, the better!

xo, Rebecca

p.s. This graphic t-shirt is an accurate representation of me last summer & fall: sweet & approachable on the outside, consumed by rage on the inside. 😂

p.p.s. The Amazon links below are affiliate links, which means I may make a small commission, at no cost to you.

Did any of you catch the brilliant and funny McSweeney’s article titled, “Thank you for calling the perimenopause hotline where our hold times are completely unpredictable.” by Kathryn Baecht? A friend texted me the link and I laughed until I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

The article goes through some common FAQs among which is the following:

Q: What is the average age for perimenopause?

The average age for perimenopause is whatever age you happen to be when you google any of the following:

• What age perimenopause?

• Skipped period start of menopause?

• Why do I have free floating rage?

Additionally, you may have started perimenopause if you call your mother or any older woman in your life to ask her what a hot flash feels like.

Hahahaha. As my husband and I often say to each other, “It’s funny because it’s true!”

All laughing aside, if menopausal rage makes it into a satirical article about perimenopause on a very popular website, then it’s a thing. So why are we not talking about it? One theory (among several): we’re tired of being dismissed when we do talk about it.

There is nothing more patronizing than feeling really powerful, big feelings (like rage) and having those feelings dismissed as just "hormones”. Or having everyone else feel compassion for the people who have to live with the menopausal woman, rather than have compassion for the woman herself, who is clearly in distress. So let’s change the script and talk about menopausal rage in a way that is validating, compassionate, constructive, and helpful.

Psychotherapist Dr. Becky Kennedy recently published a podcast episode on “Mom Rage” and the advice given in the podcast episode is 100% relevant to menopausal rage as well.

Dr. Becky, along with guest psychotherapist Dr. Anna Mathur, teach their listeners that rage is a sign of unmet needs and this definition makes so. much. sense.

For most of us, disruptive perimenopause symptoms come when we’re already mentally, physically, and emotionally maxed out. And then suddenly we’re dealing with hot flashes, insomnia, brain fog and incontinence all while watching our body change and it’s no wonder many of us experience feelings of “free floating rage”.

Being a woman is hard, full stop.

Being a woman who is also going through menopause can induce a whole lot of big feelings, including rage.

In her book, “Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger”, author Soraya Chemaly reinforces this idea that rage is a sign of unmet needs. Chemaly writes,

“One of the top three reasons women report getting angry is the lack of reciprocity in relationships. They feel taken for granted, uncared for, unloved, even as they’re providing care to parents, to children, to spouses, to friends, to coworkers, to neighbors, whoever it may be.

Being exhausted and fed up at the same time accumulates. I think a lot of the rage people feel is because for the entirety of their lives their needs were not being addressed or met fairly. But now, with the added stresses and exhaustion of this physical transition, the situation is not tenable. This - a lack of reciprocal care and attention - is not about hormones.”

So what’s a girl to do with all this rage?

Dr. Anna Mathur recommends pausing frequently to ask yourself two important questions:

1. What am I feeling?

2. What do I need?

These two questions give you an opportunity to acknowledge your unmet needs and to follow up with appropriate action.

Maybe that action is taking a few deep breaths in the moment. Maybe it’s finding a qualified doctor to talk about Menopause Hormone Therapy to relieve hot flashes. Maybe it’s setting clear boundaries with friends, family and coworkers. Maybe it’s starting therapy. Maybe it’s implementing the Fairplay Method. Or maybe it’s finally letting go of unrealistic cultural expectations and deciding to be unapologetic about your limitations as a human being.

Whatever is triggering your rage, reframing that rage as a tool for recognizing unmet needs can transform the way you look at it, and allow you to use it for your good and for the good of all those who need you.